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Hiatus/a peek into my life

—To all my Followers—

I know that to some my blog is just another tumblr blog devoted to smut and fap material(although not  bad thing), but i try to take everything i enjoy and share it with you all so you can enjoy and fap if you so desire. But lately my heart hasn’t been in my queue. I had some trouble with my missus and its been hard times for a while. I’ve lost her….though not completely its enough that when i am alone in my bed at night i can’t sleep, I can’t focus, and knowing there is someone else who takes her attention from me just kills me. She’s still my best friend, but no matter how much of the days or weeks or months i’ll see her as my friend i’ll always love her not only as that but i will always reserve an eternal love for her as a woman. 

I need another outlet, for me fapping has no luster, no joy, no release. I remember when it was all good fun, whether it was a romantic bath/intimacy, or a raunchy shower, or even the adventurous times with ropes, 3-somes and toys. I would do anything for her. 

I can hear them…i can feel it, i know her sound and the other’s as well. I can’t do this without a new outlet. I drive myself crazy blaming myself, that our love wasn’t the same because i was flawed. How many times have women used that knowing it was our fault. 

She taught me to love not gender but the person. i became a lot mor open minded as did she. I was her first man. and probably her last. she loves her….with the same love i have. for a while i acted as a cuckold husband. sharing her to maintain her happiness and in return i had her affection for a while longer as well as her lover’s affection for a time.

She knew though….she knew i could forgive anything, and that i loved her truly and knew she couldn’t make me a shell of a man/a puppet. She told me to let go. that it needed to end for my sake. that she didn’t deserve my love if she didn’t feel exactly the same. I knowing i would never want her to have to lie to me or be unhappy, i said it shall be done. i cried and cried after that i broke down soon after and she stayed by my side not letting me hide behind my door. We were intimate one more time just spur of the moment and we enjoyed each other for the last time in carnal lust and passion as long as we could. and with one last kiss she came….and after that it was….”hi roomie” nothing more, my roommate and best friend. 

When will i be able to move on and ignore the sights and sounds of her with another. She asked me what if i find someone else who’s not her, or if he wants to stay with me, what if i get married?” I told her “I’ll have to move on” she said “will you?” i said simply: “I won’t have a choice, i must.” She just sort of looked at me worriedly. she knows i had found myself in her, a kindred soul. she used to say she didn’t need love that she could be alone for the rest of her life(love-wise). I thought to myself if i lose her i may just give up on love.

I don’t look at people the same i’m disgusted by everyone any wolf whistle and comment on women attractive or otherwise are just lies. no one cares to get to know me and i hate people to begin with. I hate dating, i hate the “game”, and i’m honest to the point of being blunt/mean. I’m broken she kept me together. she helped me show my emotions again i used to keep it all locked away, and now hiding it all away just doesn’t work. i wallow in it. no sleep. no sanity. no confidence. 

"why do you get lonely?"

"-silence-"

"i don’t have time to be lonely, why do you?"

"I-i don’t know"

It’s hard to even look at her sometimes. it’s like withdrawal, like her affection was a drug, and its what kept me moving, kept me ambitious, and optimistic. Now it all feels hollow. like as if i will end up working myself into the grave, no love, no friends, and not a care. 

Honestly….i’ll never find anyone like her. she is one of a kind -smile-

Enjoy my rant…idk if i’ll update my queue anymore.

i hate myself. people are surprised i’m a guy who can look past our falling out and still see her as my best friend and keep rooming with her.

Honestly, pushing her away or staying away like most guys would would do so much worse for both of us she still wants me around and i wouldn’t want her to go either. 

i just tell people When you love someone, when you TRULY love them, there’s nothing you won’t do to keep them in your life and keep them happy.

surprising how far away it feels to be a hallway away, from someone you love.

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